Laying here in bed, tired as hell but it hurts to close my swollen eyes. I don’t know if my eyes are stinging from being so tired or if they just hurt from crying earlier.
The fresh tears aren’t helping things either.
I like it much better living in the land of make believe where hope and dreams live. This reality world – where hope is lost and one little sentence can cause your whole world to come crashing down around you – sucks.
I just can’t stop thinking about it. How calm he was saying it. How he watched me sob. How what I wanted or had to say didn’t matter.
How I didn’t matter.
I didn’t ask for this life. This caretaker role. This head of household, bring home the bacon role. I didn’t think I’d be the bread winner.
What I did ask for was a conversation about bringing a homeless child into our home for us to care for and love. A conversation.
And what did I get in return?
Hopes and dreams shattered by a single sentence.
4 words that keep ringing through my head – “I don’t want kids.”
Thank you dr whoever and therapist whatshisname. Thank you for determining my future. Thank you for ruining my life.
I need to sleep but the tears keep falling. How am I supposed to go on?
The world of sunshine and roses, of hopes and dreams is long gone. I want to go back in time. Just one stinking day.
I had hope then.
Now? I just have tears and emptiness and a heart beating behind a bandaid ready to be ripped out again.
Hope
Well after my complete meltdown over what my husband told me, we talked a little bit and he decided that his “no” decision was made hastily and without research of different options. So he asked that we re-discuss everything in July to give him time to look into things and our different options – adoption or fostering, etc.
While I appreciate his slight change of heart, I do feel like he is only pacifying me, which I don’t want either.
So he ripped my heart from my chest, shoved it back in and put a bandaid over it.
I sure hope he doesn’t rip it back out in July.
I want him to follow his heart and listen to HIMSELF and not two old men who don’t have anything to do with our marriage or lives. If his heart tells him being a daddy isn’t something he wants to do, then we’ll deal with it. But if it does…then (yay!) and let’s start looking into our options.
In the meantime…I’ll be desperately holding on to the tiny ounce of hope that I still have and trying not to shed anymore tears over this.
I see much therapy in my future…which is probably long overdue…and meds.
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No Mother’s Day for Me
My husband has a number of autoimmune diseases. We decided to not have kids naturally because we don’t want to pass this monster on to anyone. We decided this together and we both agreed. No problems there.
We didn’t, however, totally rule out children.
Or so I thought.
I’m going to be 36 this month…yeah, the biological clock is ticking away. I ALWAYS have wanted kids. Always. And I always thought I’d adopt kids. I wanted 2 of my own and 2 adopted.
So my husband and I had a short conversation about the whole kids thing…I asked him to “think about it” and then we could talk it over.
Well seems he thought about it and talked to his shrink about it and his therapist about it and decided that he didn’t want to have kids – any kind of kids – because what if he got sicker or was tired during the day and had to take care of a kid.
So basically, he talked to everyone on earth but his WIFE, the person who is involved in this marriage and decision with him…and without even discussing things with me, he’s made this decision FOR me.
WTF
I know getting sick is NOT his fault. I know he had nothing to do with that, but I can’t HELP but feel like he just took away the ONE thing on this earth that I want more than anything. I know it would change things, but I know we’d work it out! Everything works out.
But the decision had been made – for me.
And now I don’t know what to do. I seriously feel like someone ripped my heart out.
Never, in a million years did I think THIS…this life I am living…was it for me. There HAS to be something else. I couldn’t have been put here to care for a sick husband and a house full of crazy, unruly animals.
This just can’t be it. Can it?
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